I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber has a world record for the sheer quantity of internet hate he's received. But I think most of this hate is actually jealousy, because come on, who wouldn't want to have become a multi-platinum recording artist before puberty? Sure, he talks and sings like a 12-year-old girl trying to feign a gangster-lean, but here are four reasons why Mr. Bieber (which, if read aloud, must be pronounced "Meester Beeber") is better than, like, all you haterz, aiite.
4. He's Rich
He's 16 years old, about the same age when you were still begging your parents for an early allowance so that you could go buy yourself a new pack of whatever trading cards you were obsessed with. Mr. Bieber already has a net worth of $25 million. What is that wet feeling in your pants, you ask? Urine, my friend, because you now know that he could buy you and your holographic Pokemon collection a few thousand times over, and still have enough money to spare for a G6.
Far East Movement was talking about the Pontiac G6, right?
3. He Can Echolocate
Have you seen this kid's hairdo? He walks around with a fucking broom in front of his face. The only explanation for how he can go about his life without running into shit all the time (emphasis "all the time") is that he was brought up in an underground cave by bats who taught him the secrets of echolocation. And since bats typically use only very high-frequency clicks to echolocate, this also helps explain why Justin's voice is nigh-ultrasonic.
How the hell else would you explain this?
2. He Has Legions of Passionate Female Fans
Most of you sorry excuses for males would be lucky to get a high-five from the cute girl sitting next to you at the football game. On the other hand, Mr. Bieber has single-handedly filled those stadiums with orgasmically passionate female fans. He has been responsible for injuries to at least a dozen girls, and not via Chris-Brown-inspired rampages either; these injuries were caused by other girls fighting to get closer to Mr. Bieber during at least two separate incidences -- one in New York and one all the way in Australia. He's even rumored to be getting cozy with Selena Gomez, who, since she's now 18 years old, I hope I can call "pretty good looking" without setting myself up for any pedophilia jokes. I hope.
...well, fuck.
1. He Has A Giant Dong
Usher mentors him, Taio Cruz writes songs for him, Ludacris raps for him, Lil' Wayne's songs give shout-outs to him, Shaq dance-offs (?) him, and Rihanna performs with him. In other words, Mr. Bieber is surrounded by black folks. Clearly, he must also be black. And you know what they say about black guys...
Was it something about being good with tape measures?
4. He's Rich
He's 16 years old, about the same age when you were still begging your parents for an early allowance so that you could go buy yourself a new pack of whatever trading cards you were obsessed with. Mr. Bieber already has a net worth of $25 million. What is that wet feeling in your pants, you ask? Urine, my friend, because you now know that he could buy you and your holographic Pokemon collection a few thousand times over, and still have enough money to spare for a G6.
Far East Movement was talking about the Pontiac G6, right?
3. He Can Echolocate
Have you seen this kid's hairdo? He walks around with a fucking broom in front of his face. The only explanation for how he can go about his life without running into shit all the time (emphasis "all the time") is that he was brought up in an underground cave by bats who taught him the secrets of echolocation. And since bats typically use only very high-frequency clicks to echolocate, this also helps explain why Justin's voice is nigh-ultrasonic.
How the hell else would you explain this?
2. He Has Legions of Passionate Female Fans
Most of you sorry excuses for males would be lucky to get a high-five from the cute girl sitting next to you at the football game. On the other hand, Mr. Bieber has single-handedly filled those stadiums with orgasmically passionate female fans. He has been responsible for injuries to at least a dozen girls, and not via Chris-Brown-inspired rampages either; these injuries were caused by other girls fighting to get closer to Mr. Bieber during at least two separate incidences -- one in New York and one all the way in Australia. He's even rumored to be getting cozy with Selena Gomez, who, since she's now 18 years old, I hope I can call "pretty good looking" without setting myself up for any pedophilia jokes. I hope.
...well, fuck.
1. He Has A Giant Dong
Usher mentors him, Taio Cruz writes songs for him, Ludacris raps for him, Lil' Wayne's songs give shout-outs to him, Shaq dance-offs (?) him, and Rihanna performs with him. In other words, Mr. Bieber is surrounded by black folks. Clearly, he must also be black. And you know what they say about black guys...
Was it something about being good with tape measures?
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