I Am Atlas!

Why have I not been updating? Why am I forsaking my precious blog-readers in their time of need? Well don't blame me (ever.), but blame my roommate, because two weeks ago he finally convinced me to open up this book called Atlas Shrugged.

Usually, a book wouldn't be nearly enough to tear me away from my computer screen. In fact, anything short of Miranda Kerr spontaneously Apparating onto my lap wouldn't be enough to tear me away from my computer screen. But Luddites rejoice, Atlas Shrugged has reminded me that there are still things simpler than the internet that are just as fun.

Part of the reason why the novel is so fun is because it's about the total lameness of small-minded liberal folk. And vegetarians. Of course the message is conveyed slightly more eloquently across a thousand-some pages, but the basic tenet remains the same. And now, if you are a liberal and refuse to read it because of what I just said, then you'd just be proving how small-minded you are, and I'd get to make a reference to another one of my favorite books ever: Catch-22, sucker!

My only problem with Atlas Shrugged, though, is that the author does have a fairly transparent habit for self-flattery. Her penname is Ayn Rand, which is already quite unattractive-sounding for a female, but a quick two-minute jaunt through Wikipedia revealed that her birthname was actually much worse. She was born Alisa Zinov'yevna Rosenbaum, which makes me think she probably looked something like this when she was young:

A few years later, after changing her name and transforming from a cardboard cutout into a real person, she looked like this:

She then found an especially flattering picture of herself to print as her author portrait in the book:

And finally, when Rand modeled Dagny Taggart, the main protagonist of Atlas Shrugged, after herself, she made herself look something like this:

And that is why Angelina Jolie has actually been approached to play Dagny Taggart in a possible movie adaptation of the novel.

Meet a (few) Magical Horned Creature(s): Dubai Edition!

If you ever watch television, read the news, surf the internet, listen to the radio, or, in short, don’t live in a hole, then I’m going to assume that you’ve heard of Dubai. You might not be able to point it out on a map, but neither can I, and it really doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that it’s an absolutely astounding place, with a wondrous list of wondrous achievements: world’s biggest mall, world’s largest fountain, world’s tallest building, world’s only indoor ski slope, and generally the world’s most excessively luxurious city. But before the arrival of three very magical creatures with three indistinguishably similar names, Dubai might as well have been non-existent. Their story starts in 1958, with a man named:

Sheikh Rashid bin Saeed Al Maktoum
(1912-1990)
Ruler of Dubai from 1958-1990

When he came to power in 1958, most of the people were still riding around on camels and living in huts. There was a small dribble of a creek going through the middle of Dubai, in which some of the small trade ships coming from Asia and Europe could dock. Seeing the opportunity to turn that into a massive trading port, however, Sheikh Rashid solicited about $100,000 of funding from American investors to dredge that creek. American investors, being short-sighted as usual, refused; but Sheikh Rashid, being a baller, raised his money anyways and transformed the city into a major international trade hub.

Dubai’s economic development exploded with, naturally, the discovery of oil in 1966. The trade infrastructure that Sheikh Rashid had built meant Dubai could start exporting that black gold almost immediately. In 1973, Dubai strengthened its economic and political influence when it joined the UAE as a principal state, and established the first of many “Free Zones” in Jebel Ali in 1979, where foreign companies could be entirely exempt from taxes, tariffs, and duties. This attracted millions of dollars of overseas investment, and by the time of Sheikh Rashid’s death in 1990, Dubai was one of the richest regions in the entire Middle East.

Sheikh Maktoum bin Rashid Al Maktoum
(1943-2006)
Ruler of Dubai from 1990-2006

Unlike its neighbor Abu Dhabi, who has about a tenth of the Middle East’s oil reserves under its lands, Dubai’s oil reserves are expected to run out next year in 2010. Sheikh Maktoum, son of Sheikh Rashid, knew that relying on oil wouldn’t be a sustainable long-term economic strategy. So as an alternative, he decided to expand tourism.

Let me start off by explaining that before this man, there was absolutely no reason any sane person would want to visit the Middle East. Its major exports are oil, oil, and a repressive religion. The natural scenery consists of sand, sand, and very very high temperatures. So to try and transform a sweltering dirtpile into the world’s most popular tourist destination is nothing short of batshit insane.

So what did Sheikh Maktoum do? Well, he took all the billions that Dubai was making from trade and oil, and he invested them into projects that were as equally batshit insane as he was. He was, perhaps more than any other politician or economist alive, a firm believer in the mantra that no one remembers second place. So Sheikh Maktoum made sure that everything Dubai did would be the first, the largest, and the best of its kind in the entire world. This is the man who oversaw the construction of the Burj Al Arab and the Burj Al Dubai, who started building man-made islands in the ocean, and who established Dubai as a luxury and trade capital of the world.

Few people can say that they literally changed the geography of their country.

Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum
(1949-)
Ruler of Dubai from 2006-Present

And what on Earth could a successor to such a brilliantly crazy man as Sheikh Maktoum possibly do to match his predecessor’s accomplishments? Well, one way to get attention is to donate a lot of money. And by a lot, I mean that incumbent Sheikh Mohammed has pledged more than $10 billion dollars of personal money to expanding Middle Eastern education, making him one of the most charitable individuals in modern history (I say “modern” because Carnegie’s and Rockefeller’s donations, inflation adjusted, come out to several kagillion dollars).

Also, in a drastic bureaucratic reorganization that puts Obama’s efforts at modernization to complete shame, Sheikh Mohammed digitized every single branch of Dubai’s government within the first eighteen months he was in office. Nothing is handled on paper. Messages, forms, memos, referendums, are all transmitted instantaneously. The residents almost never use snail mail – instead, everything, including bills and taxes, is handled online.

His work on establishing and expanding economic free zones have led rise to “Internet City”, where the biggest players in the worldwide IT industry, including Microsoft, IBM, Sun, and HP, have major headquarters; “Media City”, the Middle Eastern home of CNN, Reuters, Bloomberg, and BBC; and most recently, “Health City”, where the Dubai government invites hundreds of doctors, medical experts, and healthcare innovators from across the globe to convene in cutting-edge hospitals. His newest brainchild is the creation of a super-massive theme park that will not only combine Disneyland, Six Flags, and Universal Studios under one roof, but will also showcase 1:1 replicas of the Eiffel Tower, the Pyramids of Giza, and the Great Wall of China. So why visit anywhere else, when Dubai has it all?

He's awesome and he knows you know it.

We, as a country, have a lot to learn from these guys. Just consider for a moment the magnitude of what they achieved. They turned a desert pothole, with nearly no resources of its own, into a thriving economy, a remarkable tourist destination, and a true beacon of modernization and capitalism. And for that, I salute them with the most honorable award that I can give: magical horned creature status.

Cumulative Magical Horned Creature Rating: 7 (+1 for being nonfictional)
(On a scale of 1-10: 1 being a rhinoceros, 10 being a unicorn)

Help the Typhoon Victims. Keep Your Money.

While my deepest condolences go out to the unfortunate victims of the recent rain in Southeast Asia, my deepest resentments go out to the watery deluge of emails in my inbox soliciting donations to help them. Am I a selfish capitalist? A misanthropic Scrooge? Well, maybe, but that's not why I refuse to give my broken old shoes to a typhoon victim any time soon. The reason, in fact, is rather simple: Asia is on the other side of the world.

Since I just traveled over to that yonder land two months ago (link), I am fully qualified to tell you that a trans-Pacific airplane flight is, alas, not free. In fact, just to haul myself plus 60-odd pounds of luggage over to China cost me seven-hundred dollars each way. Since I weigh about 180 lb, the "shipping" rate works out to about $700/240lb, or roughly $3/lb.

Which is actually a really good deal, compared to international shipping. FedEx'ing a 100 pound package from here to Manila costs approximately $900 according to their website, or roughly $9/lb. Not only is that option more expensive, but the trip would also take two or three more days than a personal flight.

What about freight shipping, on a good old-fashioned boat? The price for that would be somewhere on the order of $700 per cubic meter of storage. Suppose you were shipping a giant cube of pure water at exactly 4 C, at a density of 1000 kilograms per cubic meter - it would still come out to $0.32/lb. I suppose you might consider that good, but then I suppose I should mention something else: transit time would take a month. And generally speaking, typhoons are emergencies.

Thus, even if we consider the completely unrealistic scenario of including your own body weight in a shipping-cost analysis as I have, the very vast majority of your donation would pay for moving stuff from here to there. And that's just ineffective and wasteful. Wiring them the money itself would be equally useless, for although everyone likes a bit of extra dough, cash is frankly not a very nutritious food. Nor good shelter.

Another icon of wasteful spending.

So don't start feeling good about yourself when you organize another fundraiser for typhoon victims or drop off your ugly Christmas sweaters at the nearest collection bin, because I can assure you that exactly 99.42% of whatever you contribute will never get there. If you really want to help, fly yourself over and build some houses for the locals. If you really have no other use for your ugly clothes, give them to me, and I'll drive them over to the Salvation Army where they might actually go to an inner-city kid. And if they don't, well, I'll still get a nice tax deduction.