Four Reasons Why Justin Bieber Is Better Than You

I'm pretty sure Justin Bieber has a world record for the sheer quantity of internet hate he's received. But I think most of this hate is actually jealousy, because come on, who wouldn't want to have become a multi-platinum recording artist before puberty? Sure, he talks and sings like a 12-year-old girl trying to feign a gangster-lean, but here are four reasons why Mr. Bieber (which, if read aloud, must be pronounced "Meester Beeber") is better than, like, all you haterz, aiite.

4. He's Rich

He's 16 years old, about the same age when you were still begging your parents for an early allowance so that you could go buy yourself a new pack of whatever trading cards you were obsessed with. Mr. Bieber already has a net worth of $25 million. What is that wet feeling in your pants, you ask? Urine, my friend, because you now know that he could buy you and your holographic Pokemon collection a few thousand times over, and still have enough money to spare for a G6.

Far East Movement was talking about the Pontiac G6, right?

3. He Can Echolocate

Have you seen this kid's hairdo? He walks around with a fucking broom in front of his face. The only explanation for how he can go about his life without running into shit all the time (emphasis "all the time") is that he was brought up in an underground cave by bats who taught him the secrets of echolocation. And since bats typically use only very high-frequency clicks to echolocate, this also helps explain why Justin's voice is nigh-ultrasonic.

How the hell else would you explain this?

2. He Has Legions of Passionate Female Fans

Most of you sorry excuses for males would be lucky to get a high-five from the cute girl sitting next to you at the football game. On the other hand, Mr. Bieber has single-handedly filled those stadiums with orgasmically passionate female fans. He has been responsible for injuries to at least a dozen girls, and not via Chris-Brown-inspired rampages either; these injuries were caused by other girls fighting to get closer to Mr. Bieber during at least two separate incidences -- one in New York and one all the way in Australia. He's even rumored to be getting cozy with Selena Gomez, who, since she's now 18 years old, I hope I can call "pretty good looking" without setting myself up for any pedophilia jokes. I hope.

...well, fuck.

1. He Has A Giant Dong

Usher mentors him, Taio Cruz writes songs for him, Ludacris raps for him, Lil' Wayne's songs give shout-outs to him, Shaq dance-offs (?) him, and Rihanna performs with him. In other words, Mr. Bieber is surrounded by black folks. Clearly, he must also be black. And you know what they say about black guys...

Was it something about being good with tape measures?

Looking for a small TV?

I haven't posted here in a few months not because I fell into a massive La-Z-Boy and got infected with obesity, but simply because I had better and more important things to do. Mostly things involving lots of money, beautiful women, and scandalous photos of me leaking onto the internet. I would post them here for your enjoyment, but I actually can't. Which brings me to my next point.

iPads are utterly useless.

Due to a series of unfortunate technical difficulties involving two of my laptops' power chargers, the only computer-like device that I have access to right now is my parents' iPad. Of course I already knew it was useless even before Steve Jobs somehow managed to Jedi mind-trick me into buying an iPhone a few months ago, but now I can verifiably assert that the iPad isn't so much an iPhone for giants, as it's so often been called, but more accurately a flat-screen TV for midgets.

You see, iPhones are useful because you can put one in your pocket and effectively bring a phone, a camera, and the entire internet with you pretty much wherever you go; iPads are not because you have to put yours on a table next to a Wifi router and then upload pictures to it from another, more capable device. Wait...that sounds a little like something else I know: a computer. But wait again...my $300 dollar netbook (currently missing a power charger) can also do things like run Flash, take pictures with its built-in webcam, save and open whatever file types I want, let me type on something where I can manage more than two words per minute, run programs that don't start with "A" and end in "ngry Birds", and most importantly of all, upload pictures to Blogger.

So instead of the marginally pertinent picture that I would otherwise leave you with, here's some ASCII art of a dwarf watching an iPad:

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